{"id":12117,"date":"2016-02-18T15:30:01","date_gmt":"2016-02-18T14:30:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/?p=12117"},"modified":"2016-02-18T12:12:49","modified_gmt":"2016-02-18T11:12:49","slug":"kam-frike-mos-ndahem-prape","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/2016\/02\/kam-frike-mos-ndahem-prape\/","title":{"rendered":"Kam frik\u00eb mos ndahem prap\u00eb&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>&#8211; Jam nj\u00eb vajz\u00eb q\u00eb nuk m\u00eb ka ecur shum\u00eb n\u00eb dashuri, pasi u fejova dhe fejesa ime u prish ngaq\u00eb ai ishte shum\u00eb xheloz. Pas rreth nj\u00eb viti, un\u00eb u njoha me nj\u00eb djal\u00eb tjet\u00ebr dhe tani jam fejuar me t\u00eb. E duam nj\u00ebri-tjetrin dhe shkojm\u00eb mir\u00eb, por her\u00eb pas here m\u00eb kap paniku se mos b\u00ebj ndonj\u00eb gabim dhe ndahem edhe nga ky. E them k\u00ebt\u00eb sepse e ndjej q\u00eb kam v\u00ebshtir\u00ebsi n\u00eb komunimim me t\u00eb, aq m\u00eb tep\u00ebr q\u00eb ai \u00ebsht\u00eb n\u00eb emigracion dhe sepse un\u00eb, si natyr\u00eb, jam pak e ndrojtur. Ju lutem m\u00eb jepni disa k\u00ebshilla se si t\u00eb sillem me t\u00eb. \u00c7far\u00eb t\u00eb kem parasysh q\u00eb ta b\u00ebj dhe q\u00eb t\u00eb mos e b\u00ebj kur komunikoj me t\u00eb? Jam n\u00eb ankth dhe mezi po e pres k\u00ebt\u00eb p\u00ebrgjigje&#8230;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em><u>Dr. Jashar Demiri, psikolog klinicist:<\/u><\/em><\/strong> &#8211; E nderuar vajz\u00eb, shum\u00eb vet\u00eb m\u00eb k\u00ebrkojn\u00eb k\u00ebshilla t\u00eb tilla \u201csi t\u00eb flas me at\u00eb?\u201d, \u201csi t\u00eb jem m\u00eb e lirshme me t\u00eb fejuarin?\u201d etj. K\u00ebtu \u201creceta\u201d nuk ka dhe vet\u00ebm b\u00ebj si t\u00eb ndjehesh m\u00eb mir\u00eb, fol si t\u00eb t\u00eb vij\u00eb p\u00ebr mbar\u00eb, sepse kur dy vet\u00eb duhen apo fejohen presupozohet se jan\u00eb si dy miq e shum\u00eb m\u00eb tep\u00ebr se kaq. E kam th\u00ebn\u00eb shpesh, por po e p\u00ebrs\u00ebris edhe nj\u00eb her\u00eb se, n\u00eb qoft\u00eb se do nj\u00eb martes\u00eb t\u00eb lumtur, martohu me mikun t\u00ebnd. Por k\u00ebtu q\u00ebndron edhe problemi yt dhe qofsha i gabuar! Ti vajz\u00eb, e zhg\u00ebnjyer dhe e trembur nga fejesa e par\u00eb, e akuzuar kot s\u00eb koti prej tij, ndoshta ke nxituar p\u00ebr t\u2019u fejuar s\u00ebrish&#8230; Mos ndoshta si shpejt? A mos ndoshta ti, si shum\u00eb t\u00eb tjera, nxitoni ta shpallni fejes\u00ebn ende pa u njohur si e sa duhet e pa i kaluar ca \u201cteste\u201d jet\u00ebsore? Ku e njohe ti at\u00eb aq mir\u00eb e aq gjat\u00eb, pasi ai qenka n\u00eb emigracion? Dikur fejesa sh\u00ebrbente si nj\u00eb \u201cparadhom\u00eb\u201d p\u00ebr t\u00eb kuptuar a duhej vajtur domosdoshm\u00ebrisht n\u00eb martes\u00eb apo jo. N\u00eb t\u00eb kaluar\u00ebn, p\u00ebr shkak t\u00eb prapambetjes dhe anakronizmave, nuk ishte e leht\u00eb t\u00eb \u201cb\u00ebje mbrapsht\u201d n\u00ebse fejoheshe, por mbaj mend se q\u00eb n\u00eb vitin 1967, kur u shpall \u201clufta kund\u00ebr zakoneve prapanike\u201d, u fitua edhe nj\u00ebfar\u00eb guximi, q\u00eb vajzat e fejuara me shkuesi ose pa d\u00ebshir\u00ebn e tyre, t\u2019i prishnin fejesat dhe ky ishte p\u00ebr at\u00eb koh\u00eb nj\u00eb hap jo pak i r\u00ebnd\u00ebsish\u00ebm. Sot, kjo gj\u00eb ka avancuar edhe m\u00eb shum\u00eb, pasi askush nuk e detyron nj\u00eb vajz\u00eb t\u00eb fejohet ose t\u00eb nxitoj\u00eb p\u00ebr nj\u00eb fejes\u00eb t\u00eb dyt\u00eb vet\u00ebm e vet\u00ebm se i erdhi koha ose sepse u prish fejesa e par\u00eb. Edhe koncepti i virgj\u00ebris\u00eb sot e ka humbur pak kuptimin e r\u00ebnd\u00ebsis\u00eb. E r\u00ebnd\u00ebsishme \u00ebsht\u00eb q\u00eb njeriu t\u00eb jet\u00eb i \u201cvirgj\u00ebr\u201d n\u00eb shpirt (i past\u00ebr), pastaj \u00e7\u2019faj ka ai sepse nuk i eci mbar\u00eb, u zhg\u00ebnjye ose u nda, u divorcua, pra, b\u00ebri nj\u00eb kthim mbrapa, nj\u00eb zgjidhje, p\u00ebr t\u00eb b\u00ebr\u00eb nj\u00eb zgjedhje t\u00eb re m\u00eb t\u00eb mir\u00eb? Sot, para se t\u00eb shkohet n\u00eb fejes\u00eb, ka edhe parafejes\u00eb e pse jo, para se t\u00eb shkohet n\u00eb martes\u00eb, ka edhe bashk\u00ebjetes\u00eb.<\/p>\n<p>&#8211; Por, si\u00e7 thuhet, sht\u00ebpia me tjegulla e jeta me rregulla. N\u00eb \u00e7do rast, duhet par\u00eb se \u00e7far\u00eb t\u00eb mirash e dobish vijn\u00eb nga nj\u00eb lidhje dhe ku t\u00eb \u00e7on ajo. Dy vet\u00eb, para sesa t\u00eb lidhen, duhet t\u00eb paracaktojn\u00eb rregullat dhe kushtet, pse jo, me shkrim, si nj\u00eb kontrat\u00eb. Dy vet\u00eb duhen at\u00ebher\u00eb kur ata ndihen shum\u00eb mir\u00eb me nj\u00ebri-tjetrin dhe ndikojn\u00eb pozitivisht n\u00eb ngritjen e tyre shpirt\u00ebrore (dhe ekonomike), por jan\u00eb t\u00eb aft\u00eb q\u00eb t\u00eb jetojn\u00eb edhe pa nj\u00ebri-tjetrin. N\u00eb qoft\u00eb se nj\u00eb lidhje ka vuajtje dhe var\u00ebsi t\u00eb tepruara, kjo do t\u00eb thot\u00eb se aty, m\u00eb tep\u00ebr sesa dashuri, ka parazitiz\u00ebm. Aty nuk ka zgjedhje, por ka nevoj\u00eb, pra, ka pak ndjenj\u00eb. Shum\u00eb vajza e mendojn\u00eb fejes\u00ebn apo martes\u00ebn si zgjidhjen \u201cp\u00ebrfundimtare\u201d t\u00eb jet\u00ebs dhe nuk synojn\u00eb aq sa duhet p\u00ebr t\u00eb fituar shkolla e profesione t\u00eb jen\u00eb t\u00eb pavarura n\u00eb jet\u00eb. Martesa nuk duhet t\u00eb jet\u00eb nj\u00eb q\u00ebllim n\u00eb vetvete dhe nuk duhet par\u00eb si e till\u00eb. Ligji i bukur natyror \u00ebsht\u00eb se femra \u00ebsht\u00eb krijuar p\u00ebr mashkullin dhe mashkulli \u00ebsht\u00eb krijuar p\u00ebr femr\u00ebn, pra, ky \u201cligj\u201d nuk duhet shkelur, se natyra \u201cnd\u00ebshkon\u201d pastaj format e tjera. Fejesa, martesa, bashk\u00ebjetesa etj. jan\u00eb vet\u00ebm ca si rregulla q\u00eb i ka shpikur njer\u00ebzimi si shum\u00eb shpikje t\u00eb tjera d\u00ebshp\u00ebruese, por q\u00eb ndonj\u00ebher\u00eb disa pik\u00ebpamje kryesisht fetare t\u00eb shkruar shekuj m\u00eb par\u00eb, kur njohurit\u00eb shkencore ishin t\u00eb pakta, jan\u00eb n\u00eb ca raste intolerante. Sot ka shum\u00eb liri dhe mund\u00ebsi p\u00ebr t\u00eb nd\u00ebrtuar nj\u00eb martes\u00eb t\u00eb q\u00ebndrueshme, por problemi q\u00ebndron edhe tek aft\u00ebsit\u00eb dhe p\u00ebrgatitja q\u00eb ka njeriu, pasi nuk \u00ebsht\u00eb e leht\u00eb p\u00ebr ta ruajtur martes\u00ebn se jeta e bujshme e civilizimi i sot\u00ebm at\u00eb e sulmojn\u00eb shum\u00eb. Shum\u00eb pyetje m\u00eb jan\u00eb b\u00ebr\u00eb e m\u00eb b\u00ebhen se p\u00ebrse ndodhin zhg\u00ebnjimet n\u00eb dashuri, ndaj tani un\u00eb n\u00eb radh\u00ebt vijuese, do t\u00eb jap me pak fjal\u00eb shpjegimin shkencor psikologjik p\u00ebr k\u00ebt\u00eb \u00e7\u00ebshtje:<\/p>\n<p>At\u00ebher\u00eb, p\u00ebrse ndodhin zhg\u00ebnjimet n\u00eb dashuri?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBukuria shkon e vjen, kurse zemra s\u2019t\u00eb g\u00ebnjen\u201d, thot\u00eb populli p\u00ebr dashurin\u00eb e v\u00ebrtet\u00eb. Psikolog\u00ebt argumentojn\u00eb se dashuria e thell\u00eb e madhe dhe e fuqishme jo vet\u00ebm q\u00eb nuk e p\u00ebrjashton miq\u00ebsin\u00eb, por p\u00ebrkundrazi, e presupozon at\u00eb. Vet\u00ebm miq\u00ebsia e v\u00ebrtet\u00eb, e lidhur me sinqeritet, n\u00eb njohje e pjekuri ndjenjash, \u00e7on n\u00eb dashuri t\u00eb v\u00ebrtet\u00eb e martes\u00eb t\u00eb lumtur. Zhg\u00ebnjim do t\u00eb thot\u00eb t\u00eb g\u00ebnjesh veten ose t\u00eb besosh di\u00e7ka t\u00eb g\u00ebnjesht\u00ebrt, gj\u00eb q\u00eb ndodh m\u00eb shum\u00eb te dashurit\u00eb me shikim t\u00eb par\u00eb, t\u00eb cilat mund t\u00eb p\u00ebrfundojn\u00eb n\u00eb martes\u00eb. N\u00eb disa raste, pas disa muajsh, ndoshta edhe vitesh, gjat\u00eb fejes\u00ebs ose n\u00eb martes\u00eb, lind ndjenja e deziluzionit n\u00eb dashuri. Dometh\u00ebn\u00eb, i riu ose e reja kupton se ka gabuar n\u00eb zgjedhjen e bashk\u00ebshortit, me fjal\u00eb t\u00eb tjera, nuk e ka gjetur at\u00eb q\u00eb ka synuar, pra, v\u00ebren se nuk ndien dashuri p\u00ebr t\u00eb, si\u00e7 shpresonte. Deziluzioni mund t\u00eb jet\u00eb pasoja e kontradikt\u00ebs nd\u00ebrmjet paraqitjes s\u00eb jashtme dhe realitetit, por zhg\u00ebnjimi ndodh edhe n\u00eb disa raste kur \u201ckandidati\u201d p\u00ebr dashuri shikohet jo ashtu si\u00e7 \u00ebsht\u00eb n\u00eb t\u00eb v\u00ebrtet\u00eb, po si\u00e7 d\u00ebshiron ta shoh\u00eb partneri, dometh\u00ebn\u00eb, e quan ose e imagjinon at\u00eb si nj\u00ebfar\u00eb ideali, kur n\u00eb fakt nuk \u00ebsht\u00eb i till\u00eb. Zakonisht, n\u00eb k\u00ebto raste, faj\u00ebsohet seksi tjet\u00ebr, me iden\u00eb se e ka turbulluar, i ka \u201cmarr\u00eb mendjen\u201d, kur n\u00eb fakt duhet faj\u00ebsuar m\u00eb shum\u00eb imagjinata. Pothuajse t\u00eb gjith\u00eb t\u00eb dashuruarit, sidomos ata q\u00eb p\u00eblqehen q\u00eb n\u00eb shikimin e par\u00eb, p\u00ebrpiqen t\u2019i paraqiten tjetrit n\u00eb form\u00ebn m\u00eb t\u00eb mir\u00eb, ashtu si\u00e7 nuk jan\u00eb, ndoshta pa vet\u00ebdije, nga sedra, por ndonj\u00ebher\u00eb edhe me vet\u00ebdije t\u00eb plot\u00eb. Ata i fshehin me kujdes t\u00eb metat, nxjerrin n\u00eb dukje vlerat dhe pasi martohen, kthehen te vetja dhe \u201czbulojn\u00eb\u201d se faktikisht nuk e kan\u00eb njohur mir\u00eb nj\u00ebri-tjetrin. N\u00eb disa nga k\u00ebto raste, bashk\u00ebshort\u00ebt, duke shfaqur d\u00ebshir\u00eb e vullnet t\u00eb mir\u00eb, arrijn\u00eb t\u00eb p\u00ebrshtaten bukur dhe martesa b\u00ebhet e q\u00ebndrueshme. Shum\u00eb psikolog\u00eb q\u00eb b\u00ebjn\u00eb psikoterapi n\u00eb \u00e7ift, e pohojn\u00eb k\u00ebt\u00eb gj\u00eb&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8211; Jam nj\u00eb vajz\u00eb q\u00eb nuk m\u00eb ka ecur shum\u00eb n\u00eb dashuri, pasi u fejova dhe fejesa ime u prish ngaq\u00eb ai ishte shum\u00eb xheloz. Pas rreth nj\u00eb viti, un\u00eb u njoha me nj\u00eb djal\u00eb tjet\u00ebr dhe tani jam fejuar me t\u00eb. E duam nj\u00ebri-tjetrin dhe shkojm\u00eb mir\u00eb, por her\u00eb pas here m\u00eb kap paniku [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[86,219],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12117","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-psikologu","category-pyetje-pergjigje"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12117","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12117"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12117\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12117"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12117"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/intervista.al\/web\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12117"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}